Well folks..... Today...... my Dad will be moving to his New Home! It's the day that I've been dreading for quite some time now. However, I do know in my heart that this is the BEST thing I can do for him.
As many of you know, this is not an easy thing to do......I feel a sense of failure as his daughter, for not being able to take care of him myself. I have already experienced these feelings once in my life and this was when we had to place my mom in hospice. I still live with guilt about this.
Is this crazy or what? My mom was in such pain and could no longer swallow any water or anything else. I knew that I couldn't take care of her....(I simply was not trained to handle a cancer patient who only had a few short weeks to live) BUT.....I wanted to do all that I could do! It just wasn't enough.
Now.....with Dad, I want to be the Superwoman Daughter who can snap my fingers and make everything JUST RIGHT for him. Guess what? I'm not.....I can't....
What makes this hard is........"SECRET GUILT" A "Secret Guilt" is when you know that you have done all that you can do, but your heart tells you otherwise!!! YOU ARE FACED TO LIVE WITH THIS SECRET GUILT.....BY YOURSELF!!
Why do you have to face it by yourself? Because those around you may not feel what your heart feels! Therefore, they have no clue that you are fighting your way out of the "Guilt Trap." Because they can't feel what you feel.....they don't understand what you are going through.
Another issue is in what I faced yesterday.......Some friends dropped by the house to visit my dad. As they were leaving, their comments left me toting a huge weight of guilt on my shoulders. If you saw my dad....you would think he was a picture of good health, but Alzheimer's is more than what the body looks like.....and of course, we all know that we can't see inside the mind!!
These sweet friends.....made me question myself as to whether or not we were making the right decision. "Are you sure he needs to go to a Nursing Community?" This was one of their questions. Of course, they have not seen my dad in quite a while, and they have no clue about the
"Sun downers" that takes place while they are safely sleeping in their own beds!
It takes someone being there to make sure that meals or eaten, that medicine is taken properly and at the right time, someone to answer the hundreds of questions that are repeated over and over again. Caring for an Alzheimer's patient means that you must spend many hours taking care of their hygiene needs....making sure that they don't wear the same clothes EVERYDAY for 10 days in a row. It's helping them figure out the "all too familiar faces" of those whom they can not longer recognize. So, to answer the question....Yes, I am sure that it is time to go to a home that can meet my dad's needs.
I have prayed and prayed about this situation and I can honestly say that God has given me Peace in our decision making, of placing dad in a home that I know can adequately take care of him.
Does this mean that I have no more responsibilities? NO WAY! I will continue to be there to support him....I will continue to monitor his care.....and I will always continue to put his best interest first.
Thanks to each of you.....for allowing me just a few moments this morning, to clear my head....to be thankful for a loving God who knows my steps for this day and who will be walking right beside me...
many hugs to each of you!!
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