Oh my goodness.....Why is my heart soooooo BIG? Why do I care so much about the feelings of others? Why do I hurt so bad when I think someone else is hurting? Why, Why, Why......Why do I feel like I can carry the weight of the world on my shoulders?
It's crazy!!! It's crazy of me to feel that I can control all things!! I have NO magic powers....(not sure I would even want to have them)
Funny thing is.....I thought that I had strength like NO other.....but I can clearly see today, that I don't. I just need for the hurt to go away!! The only problem is....there are No pain meds for what I feel right now! I feel defeated!!!
Things didn't work out last Friday for me to be able to take Dad to the Nursing Home. The room wasn't ready, and therefore.....I had to wait until today to take him... I can tell you now, I was not mentally prepared to handle it! First of all, the room that was originally suppose to be my Dad's (the one that we waited the weekend for) still was not ready today when we got there. SO, we had to put him in another room with a gentleman that speaks no English. The man only speaks French! Not good!! Not good!! Not good for my dad!
My dad begged me to please bring him home. I am simply too weak to handle this right now!
Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to admit that I'm weak? VERY!
Have we made a mistake here? Have we placed him too soon, in a Nursing facility? I have asked myself this a hundred and twenty five times. The answer to this question is YES! I honestly don't think that I have done all that I can do to keep him home where he is happy. I would rather know that the time he has left (while he can somewhat communicate with me) are happy times for him.
It's later......when he has no clue where he is at..... that I will be able to handle this! But not right now! I just don't think I can do it! But.....it's not fair to my husband for me to have such strong feelings about this. What I would be doing here, is asking my wonderful husband to make big sacrifices along with me. I'm telling you.....I am so torn! Extremely torn right now.
You all know that I'm a bubbly kind of person, but I honestly feel like every single bubble in my life has been popped. Hey....it's the season to be jolly and instead of feeling jolly, I feel sadness and I'm feeling BLUE.
Crud.......Can I just say that I'm almost angry.....but I don't know who I'm angry at!
What I do know is that tonight....as I sit here with lot's of sadness, I am so thankful that I have friends.....friends, near and far......who love me and will listen to me and let me ramble. I know that each of you have had your share of sadness when it comes to dealing with loved ones....and most of you know exactly how I feel right now. I know that you all made it through and I suspect that I will too.
I hope you all will visit me later in the week....I promise that I won't be so down and out!!
Thanks for supporting me and for being such great counselors!!
I love y'all.....
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