Steps of Faith

Steps of Faith

Monday, December 16, 2013

Oh my goodness.....Why is my heart soooooo BIG?  Why do I care so much about the feelings of others?  Why do I hurt so bad when I think someone else is hurting?  Why, Why, Why......Why do I feel like I can carry the weight of the world on my shoulders?

It's crazy!!!  It's crazy of me to feel that I can control all things!!  I have NO magic powers....(not sure I would even want to have them)

Funny thing is.....I thought that I had strength like NO other.....but I can clearly see today, that I don't.   I just need for the hurt to go away!!  The only problem is....there are No pain meds for what I feel right now!  I feel defeated!!!    

Things didn't work out last Friday for me to be able to take Dad to the Nursing Home.   The room wasn't ready, and therefore.....I had to wait until today to take him...   I can tell you now, I was not mentally prepared to handle it!  First of all, the room that was originally suppose to be my Dad's (the one that we waited the weekend for) still was not ready today when we got there.   SO, we had to put him in another room with a gentleman that speaks no English.  The man only speaks French!  Not good!! Not good!!  Not good for my dad!

My dad begged me to please bring him home.    I am simply too weak to handle this right now!
Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to admit that I'm weak?  VERY!

Have we made a mistake here?  Have we placed him too soon, in a Nursing facility?  I have asked myself this a hundred and twenty five times.   The answer to this question is YES!  I honestly don't think that I have done all that I can do to keep him home where he is happy.  I would rather know that the time he has left (while he can somewhat communicate with me) are happy times for him.

It's later......when he has no clue where he is at..... that I will be able to handle this!  But not right now!  I just don't think I can do it!   But.....it's not fair to my husband for me to have such strong feelings about this.   What I would be doing here, is asking my wonderful husband to make big sacrifices along with me.    I'm telling you.....I am so torn!  Extremely torn right now.

You all know that I'm a bubbly kind of person, but I honestly feel like every single bubble in my life has been popped.  Hey....it's the season to be jolly and instead of feeling jolly, I feel sadness and I'm feeling BLUE.

Crud.......Can I just say that I'm almost angry.....but I don't know who I'm angry at!

What I do know is that tonight....as I sit here with lot's of sadness, I am so thankful that I have friends.....friends, near and far......who love me and will listen to me and let me ramble.   I know that  each of you have had your share of sadness when it comes to dealing with loved ones....and most of you know exactly how I feel right now.   I know that you all made it through and I suspect that I will too.

I hope you all will visit me later in the week....I promise that I won't be so down and out!!

Thanks for supporting me and for being such great counselors!!

I love y'all.....
Shug




6 comments:

Ruth's Photo Blog said...

I am sorry that you feel so sad about this. It is really hard to express myself without sounding cold.One of the lessons that has been drilled into me as a bus driver is that I can be of no help to anyone when I get hurt or overdo it.I believe the same may hold true for you.Dad needs you,but perhaps in a different capacity now.He needs you to visit him and be able to bring him joy when you come.Hugs to you.

Betsy Adams said...

Oh Sweetie, My heart breaks for you... We all have had those powerless feelings when we lose control of situations. Especially for those of us who like to be in control of things, it's hard when times like this happen.

Your sweet Daddy will be fine ---after they get him moved into his own room. I would be very disappointed in the nursing home --for not having his room ready.

BUT--truly, you have not made a mistake. Your Dad needs to be safe --and the staff there know how to keep him safe...

Pray to God for guidance and help... As hard as this is, you will look back on it and be glad you made this hard decision.

May God Bless You, my Friend... Trust him God at these times in your life.

Much Love and Prayers,
Betsy

Ginny said...

Shug, I want to hear the bad as well as the good...because this is what life is made of, THIS is our lives, and bloggers share our lives with each other, both the good and bad. We can see that we are not the only ones who struggle, everyone carries a burden. We will continue to pray...maybe this was a sign to not do it? But do not do something if you don't think you can live with it.

Gail Dixon said...

Shug, my heart goes out to you. As our parents age it is very difficult to switch roles and become the one who has to make the tough choices. The main thing is your dad has to be safe, and although it's not your preference to let someone else do it, he will get 24/7 personal care from people who are experienced with his condition. I'm sorry about the delay with his room...hopefully they will have it ready soon. Pray without ceasing and rely on your support system. I will pray for you, too. So sorry, dear girl! God is with you in the valley and he sees your heart for others. It'll all work out. I've been there.

Melinda said...

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now! Such
a tough spot to be in.
Continue to be the great advocate for your Dad and make sure that he gets the room he was promised and the care that they cliam to give their residents.
Hold your head up and stand strong. I know that wonderful husband of yours will support
you no mattter what.
As Betsy said "he needs to be
safe."

Big hugs being sent your way!

M :)

Loggins Legacy said...

I know first hand what you are going through but when he starts going out at night where he is no longer safe, its time to move him somewhere where he is safe.. that was the hardest thing for me to understand with Mother.. but when she went across the street at night, Iknew it was time for her safety.. its like children.. they do not know what is best for them.. they may want to stay up late at night watching tv but we know they need to be in bed getting sleep for school the next day.. same thing, they do not know what is best for them.. they want to be back home, but yet we know for their safety, its not what is best... my heart breaks for you.. first is his safety, not what you want for him or what he wants, but yet, what is best for him. Love you and hope and pray you find peace. Linda

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